All right.
So a roadblock to healthy communication.
Well if we are arguing and debating and telling people what we think and disagreeing with and then what
we're not doing is we're not seeking to understand them.
All right we're either prioritizing or being right or we're prioritizing understanding another person.
And I've had relationships with people that I've cared about in the past completely fall apart.
Why.
Because people prioritized being right over the connection and a relationship.
Right.
That's one of these nasty things sometimes.
Some people do criticizing judging assuming blaming it's your fault you're wrong I can't believe you've
done all these things in life.
Your intentions are absolutely disgusting.
And who am I to tell you what your intentions are.
All right come on let's think about it right now.
And how much do you like being criticized and how much do you like being assumed off and how much joy
being judged.
There's a pretty good chance you've seen.
I hate being assumed the worst often criticized and judged but how often do you criticize and assuming
the worst of people and judge.
Well you might even be seen right now but I don't do those things.
And how would you know if you were right.
Because we're nine times out of ten do these things unconsciously.
There's a kind of a default mode.
It's kind of like we have these two measures that we use to interact with people in life when we are
interacting with other people.
We want other people to understand us and nor intentions we certainly don't want to be judged by our
actions or our behaviors or by the things that we say right.
When people respond to us they tend to be responding to you know what we're seeing and what we're doing
because of the assumptions they've made about our intentions and likewise when people see and do things
to us we make automatic assumptions and arrive at judgments and make conclusions about what their intentions
are sometimes without even taking time to ask them understand right.
Think about the last time you really took offense at someone someone said something then triggered something
in you and you got really enraged and all the rest of it.
Well instead of giving this other person a piece of your mind or going off in a strop or a tenth temper
tantrum did you say excuse me.
We were having this conversation and you said this thing it triggered rage and anger inside of me.
I'm terribly sorry I must have completely assumed the worst to be here.
Could you just help me to understand exactly what you meant by that.
No there's not many of us that are civilized in life right.
We all do this don't we.
Very very quick to judge and assume the worst and criticize and blame people.
Have you ever heard I statements.
The term ice demons.
Think about a husband and wife who have an argument right.
What they're doing is right you've got a lot was finger pointing in one direction.
You got the look which finger pointing and the other.
You said that's because you've done that.
And you said this and you done that and you said this and you said that and you've done this and you
done that and are too busy pointing the fingers and blaming each other.
Neither of them are taking responsibility for the part they've played in the process.
Could you imagine if a conversation was to then flip on its head and go the opposite direction.
My goodness I just completely mis communicated there and then the witch says who I am terribly sorry
I just completely JUDGE YOU THERE I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THIS.
AND THEN THE WIZARD finger says Well I'm terribly sorry you know I really spoke out of turn to perhaps
raise my voice there.
I can understand how that might have been received and perceived and when we're talking about ourselves
you know I've done this I've done that.
This is us being responsible when we're too busy pointing fingers and blaming other people and this
is just passing the buck as in it's being quite irresponsible for the part that we play in.
Sometimes the demands are for all communications and interactions so obviously in a coaching context
there's no room for this whatsoever.
Unconditional positive regard is a complete opposite end of the spectrum of criticizing judging assuming
and blaming.
Doesn't really matter what a person says or what a person does.
If we are unconditionally accepting them and we're not assuming the worst of them then there's no room
for any of this praising agreeing supporting.
On the flip side of the coin you might be thinking but surely these are negatives for praise and people
with we are agreeing with people if we are they are supporting people.
Well depends on your agenda right.
Don't get me wrong from working with someone in a coaching context and they take a few steps which I
know was going to be challenging for them.
Of course a little bit of validation fantastic excellent effort.
Let's see more of that again in this next week.
In fact let's see if we can make twice as many steps but as always so going to be come from a place
of encouragement and drive.
If we're praising agreeing in support and people from a place of apathy or hate you know what I mean.
All right have you ever been on the receiving end of someone who just praises and they support and they
agree with you but are not actually taken on board or they don't really actually care about anything
that you do or anything that you're saying is just they're really pathetic a pathetic way of keeping
the peace.
My my dad actually operate in this way with my with my mom now after their divorce.
Twenty eight years of marriage then I end up getting divorced in the end he said You know I think I've
learned a lesson from this divorce you know as it was absolutely a complete waste of time trying to
keep your mother happy.
All of these years I tried to keep her happy and in the end she wasn't happy.
And back then I didn't have the vocabulary to be able to articulate in a slightly more helpful way.
But these days how I would respond I would say well rather than keep trying to keep her happy.
Maybe I could have just been authentic and yourself maybe.
Maybe the reason that she wanted divorce with you was because she she didn't trust you to be honest
and real and genuine and authentic with her.
All right.
And here's the thing when we were attending people there's not really any room for praising or agreeing
or supporting.
Think back to that demonstration I just shared.
All right.
There's no need to praise.
Agree.
Support.
I don't need your support.
You don't mean you may think you do but I guarantee that you don't.
All right people are all naturally self-governing in life.
And when we take a few steps and make a little bit of progress we feel fulfilled and therefore then
excited to take a few more steps in life.
Right.
All the rewards that we ever need in life come through the filament that we experience when we come
to see that our efforts have been rewarded and we're making progress in life labelling name calling
ridiculing labeling is a big big one kind of walks hand-in-hand with over intellectualizing people.
Well let's go back to the core identity coach and model.
Let's look at the labels that we sometimes sign on to ourselves.
I am a role.
I am a religious group.
I have this belief I am a behavior.
I am a criminal.
I am a soldier.
I am a mom my my dad all too damn small.
Isn't it.
All right.
And think about children.
All right.
Sometimes.
What are the say to the parents.
Mommy am I being good today Mommy am I being good looking for validation or looking for approval.
Because a petrified of being bad.
Well guess what.
Good and bad are those labels labels that we sometimes sign on the people and things and as human beings
we're very very quick to do this sometimes aren't we.
This past is bad.
Why.
Because they're not like us.
If only all people in the world were just like us we just get on with absolutely everyone who wouldn't
we.
All right.
But we tend to like people who are just like us and dislike people who aren't quite like us.
We very very quick to label people.
This is where the world of academia serves.
Service serves as terrible labelling people like to put people in boxes.
Academics like to put labels on things and then people when they are not secure and grounded in who
they are like to take on board labels and use them as pin badges to define themselves.
I don't know who I am.
Therefore I will be whatever label you place on me or whatever label society places on me or I will
be whatever labels I think have been placed upon me by society.
Name calling you are this you are that you are the next thing I remember being called immature when
I was 11 years old and 12 years old by quite a significant other in my life back then.
And this kind of spurred me on through my my teens my 20s my goodness I'm not enough I'm not enough
I was petrified of being immature so for me striving for maturity and to make progress and I wanted
to be a man I wanted to be a fully grown on a grown up long before I was ready for it.
Why.
Because I just didn't want to be this name that had been called immature.
That was seen as being bad and think about what really drives you in life.
Think about some labels that you are actually hoping to sign onto yourself in the future.
The most likely will be some you know you might want to be a fact of life coach maybe if effective is
a label maybe life coach is a label.
Maybe Mom or Dad or leader or manager or boss or a pioneer or entrepreneur.
These labels will what labels is it that you're actually running away from.
What labels is it that you don't want to be.
Because in life many of us spend most of our lifes running away from what we don't want instead of actually
actively working towards what we what we do want.
Labels usually plays a massive massive part of this and kids can be so cruel when we ridicule.
So as coaches obviously it's completely inappropriate for us to assign labels onto onto people.
Core identity model actually gives us the opportunity to help our clients take full ownership of the
labels that they actually want to sign on themselves and operate out of at the core.
You with me analyzing interpreting diagnosing again.
All right what does academia do.
What the doctors do.
Mental health professionals these days.
All right I feel anxious going to go to the doctors from all right.
Let's look at your symptoms.
You have.
Do you have some cold sweats sometimes.
No I don't.
Do you.
Does your anxiety keep you awake at night or Yeah.
Does problems sleep in right.
You have Borderline Something anxiety disorder.
All right.
Here you were.
This is you.
You are and you have what I s what this book says you have not that I actually know about.
Yeah not that I actually even care about yet.
But because your symptoms and what you see your half I am kind of fit in this page in a book that's
been written up here by.
By an intellect at some point in the past.
Right you are the label that I see you are.
And then what happens is young people these days end up going into the schoolyard and again ridiculed.
You know I have this condition.
I have this ailment.
I have this imperfection as flawed as condition.
And you know unless someone enters their life and corrects them and helps them and understand who they
actually are then sometimes some people where their diagnoses is as kind of identity labels for the
rest of their life and this is really is a massive noose around many people's many people's necks.
I hate this absolutely despise this.
In fact most of the people that I've worked with over the years.
All right.
More damage has been done right by mental health so-called professionals and doctors and nurses and
it's not that they have bad intentions I just didn't know any better.
Right over until I get over intellectualize life.
Right.
This is what many people do.
I'm just telling you story here friends right here is a life coach not as a therapist or as a healer
of people right you hear a coach people a life towards that which they do want and if you ask any person
who's been given a diagnosis at some point in the past.
Tell me do you want this diagnosis.
Do you want to be a sick person with a condition.
Do you want to be oh do you want a mental health condition.
Most people who say no absolutely not.
But I've got it.
I've contracted it I can't help it.
Nonsense.
All right.
Labels are just labels diagnoses are just diagnoses.
Let us become students of truth.
We're not assigning labels and people because of what we think is wrong with them or who we think they
are.
We're looking to establish the core facts the truth about who people actually are.
All right diagnosis is nothing more than an assumption.
It's kind of like a glorified guess that said let us not build our lives upon guesses instead.
Let us help our clients Bowden based their life upon the facts the facts not expectations not feelings.
So this all comes into play reassuring sympathizing consoling.
Picture this right a person comes to him who's just saw down the hall.
All right.
And they start telling you all about the story and perhaps might get a little bit of emotion a little
bit emotional when they're getting old down and doom and gloom and then you sit next to them and then
you say come on they're there.
It's all right come on.
It's OK.
Oh come on.
Should we have a cuddle.
Right.
If a person's insecure within themselves.
All right.
They may become pretty attached to you and an unhealthy way pretty quickly.
Right.
This is why I have a serious problem with some forms of so-called helping such as cuddle therapy that
I've given reference to three times through the course so far so but consoling people people do not
need consoled her.
People do not need to sympathize with people need empathized with lives at the opposite end of the spectrum
from reassuring sympathizing consoling alright and reassuring and sympathizing and consoling does not
breed empowerment does not encourage people to take responsibility for their lives.
All right can sometimes lead people to remain in this place of victimhood for far for a long long time.
Questioning probing interrogating.
No don't get me wrong.
All right.
As a life coach of course we want to be asking good questions we want to be asking appropriate questions
relevant truth based questions.
All right.
But our questioning should never be an interrogation.
It's not like we're a fact finding mission because life coaches as I mentioned we don't actually ever
need to know a client's back story and we don't when a client is coming out telling us about all their
wars off their past hearts.
We know by know that what people focus on they feel.
So if a person is focused on the past or Mommy dropped me on my head daddy never gave me enough cuddles
he still cannot be pinned in my bum when I was 2 years old and because of this my life has worked out
the way that it has.
So we can improve but interrogate and ask questions about the past and so what was it like for you.
You know getting dropped in your head.
What was that like.
Not getting enough cuddles and this is what some therapists will will do.
But it certainly doesn't help a person to shift their focus away from the past.
And you know disempowering things onto the future and more empowering things.
So we want to make sure that if we are questioning or probing or even interrogating on some level it's
all future focused not past with me.
Looking back to the past is just never going to lead us anywhere.
Move moving moving forward and let us for the purpose of overcoming something such as a limiting belief
is all gonna be part purposeful.
All right.
But if we just focus on the past solely in question and prove interrogate that that is going to become
a roadblock to healthy communication avoiding diverting or ignoring.
All right now here's a thing we are never gonna know.
As life coaches war is relevance what is important to our clients and what isn't.
Unless we are given the time and the space to tell us if we avoid anything that they share because it
makes us feel uncomfortable.
Again this is a mark of our insecurity and I were immaturity.
If we divert a conversation again many clients will and will experience this as perhaps a form of rejection.
Right.
If you divert the conversation they are kind of going down one line and you say okay Sorry can we just
stem shelf that for now and just refocus back on what I want us to focus on.
Well what you or I or we are sure our clients is that we're actually not there with them.
We're not attending them.
We're not actually interested in understanding what's going on with them and where they're at right
now and we're more interested in getting them to where we want to get them which is actually more about
control it's kind of quite commanding and directing and ordering isn't ignoring can't afford to ignore
anything.
Remember all of the beliefs that we have as human beings we operate on an unconscious level so most
people wouldn't understand or even know what their beliefs are right.
Some people will say things like I believe in God I don't believe in God I believe in little green aliens.
I believe in conspiracy theory I believe that this politician is in fact a Martian all right.
And when people are talking about beliefs in this context they're not talking about what they actually
believe.
They're just talking and giving voice to some thoughts that are rattling around inside of their mind.
Our beliefs are always going to be unconscious by nature and we're not ever going to know them of what
they are until we start looking and exploring.
All right.
So what I'm saying is and when we use skills such as immediacy like what I demonstrate in the last demonstration
McCarron what we are responding to is not just to what our clients are saying but also how they're sometimes
responding enough to meet smile or they might look down.
We don't ignore the kind of thing.
Oh you just smiled there or you looked at the floor there.
Oh you just seem like you can held back a little bit there.
What was happening.
We're coming from a complete place of genuine intrigue because as long as we don't do any of this stuff.
And this is a pretty tall warder because we're all imperfect human beings right.
We all are but if we're aware off and how it is that we don't like being communicated and interacted
with then it kind of gives us context for how it is that we could potentially start being for other
people if we do want to build the trust that is required in our coaching based relationships that is
going to leave our clients knowing and feeling confident enough to wear the kind of people that can
be trusted with their bigger issues or dreams or goals or visions or whatever they have come to us for
life coaching about.
But these are the roadblocks to healthy communications.
All right.
We're gonna get a head around this stuff.
We want to be aware of a vine enemy right.
So we can start operating in more effective ways.
If you would like to understand all of this and a bit of a deeper level that would couple recommend
right now is the parenting effect of this training by Mr Thomas Gordon.
This teaching is called 12 roadblocks to effective communication and you'll find lords of this stuff
online.
If you do a google search and it's completely relevant for you if you do want to become a professional
life coach at some point in the future so we'll be found this teaching interesting and you've not taken
too much offense at it.
And if you have taken offense at something that I've said right now.
Well.
So what assumptions and behavior.
Have you made.
Because that's a new that's that's not in me.
Hope you find this helpful.
I'll see you again in the next clip.